have pot-holders, t-shirts, key chains, checkbook covers, refrigerator
artwork, greeting cards, garden sculpture, etc. with your breed represented
on it (Bonus
points granted for commissioned work).
save up for months before a specialty show in order to round out your
buy premium quality dog kibble for your dog, but live on take-out,
frozen pizza, and
blue-box macaroni and cheese yourself.
buy vitamin supplements for your dog and administer them daily (wrapped
in cheese if
necessary), but consider yourself fortunate if you remember to take
your own more than
twice a week.
have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog
crates than you
have dogs (Bonus points if you've kept puppy collars, toys, and crates
for "the next one").
memorized you dog's pedigree at least 5 generations back (including
kennels, and personality descriptions)--but know next to nothing about
your own parentage.
meet someone when out walking your dogs and you introduce your dogs
meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after
but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or
3 times. (At which point
you know the dog's registered name, lineage, show history, and probably
only the first
name of the owner/handler. Last names take 3-4 meetings unless you've
heard about the
people from other dog people first.)
dog gets a deep cut on the pad of his foot and gets emergency medical
the vet; but you break your toes and settle for taping them together
with duct tape and
taking some aspirin to kill the pain.
dog gets regular checkups every 6 months, but you've lived in the
state for five years
and don't have a doctor yourself. (Score double points on this one
if you have a reserve vet
lined up for your dogs as well.)
word "bitch" becomes non-derogatory and flows naturally
in most conversations.
have a plastic kiddie wading pool in the back yard, but no kids. (Double
you have a pool for each dog.)
dog's kibble is stored in 45 gallon garbage cans, and the water is
kept in a bucket
with it's own drip tray under it. (Score extra if you have had a water
tap installed over
the bucket to save time, or [for longhaired breeds] if you keep a
permanently on the floor to soak up drips and squeegee around with
slipcover all the furniture in a complementary color to your dog to
make it easier
to hide/remove the dog hair.
use kennel disinfectant in the house.
have a case of Summer's Eve disposable douche in the house for emergency
treatment of a skunk attack. (Extra points given if a male friend
picked this up for you at
don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your
family has resigned themselves to the fact that you're bringing your
dog to all
holiday gatherings (or you don't bother coming at all).
and licensing records for all your dogs are in perfect order, but
checkbook hasn't been balanced in months, and last year's tax records
are nowhere to
keep license tags from dogs long gone to the rainbow bridge.
justify the purchase of a larger vehicle or house because of the dogs.
You change jobs so you can spend more time with the dogs.
justify the addition of a male friend in your life so you can have
someone around to pet sit when you go away on business travel.
justify the addition of a male friend in your life so you can have
someone to hold the dogs when you're out walking in town and want
to run into a store to buy coffee or ice
plan all vacations around dog activities/events. ("Well, our
breed specialty is in
upstate New York this year, let's get out the map and see what else
is interesting in
that area..." or "Let's go on a walking tour or Savannah
so we can bring the dogs
along--now what hotel chains allow dogs?")
dog gets his teeth brushed daily, scaled weekly, and dental cleaning
at the vet's
every 6-12 months--and you can't remember your dentist's name.
memorized the vet's phone number. (Bonus points if you have his home
memorized as well.)
become paranoid about keeping ID on your dog at all times (collar,
tattoo), but don't bother to carry any ID yourself.
parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as
or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our
percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing
what's new when
you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists,
photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).
have kiddie gates permanently installed at strategic locations in
the house--but no
have nose prints on all glass surfaces--windows, doors, inside the
you leave them there because cleaning them seems so futile at this
dog gets sick and you sleep next to him in a sleeping bag in the kitchen
in case he
needs to go out.
take a sick day from work to take care of your dog.
take bereavement leave when you dog dies.
solidity of dog excrement is a suitable topic for discussion in mixed
carry plastic "pickup" bags and an extra kennel lead in
your purse, pocket, and car
at all times.
talk about your dogs the way most people talk about their children.
go to pet supply stores on weekends because it's one of the few places
take your dog.
take your dog for rides in the car; and treat him to a drive-thru
window burger at
McDonalds on special occasions.
celebrate dog events (new dog, dog birthday, finished championships,
throwing catered parties with lots of people--but you ignore your
license plate, license-plate frame, or bumper sticker mentions your
dog or breed.
lecture people on responsible pet ownership and breed rescue whenever
don't work late or socialize after work because you have to get home
to take care
of your dog.
have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your
but none of your family or yourself.
keep 2-liter bottles of water and a water dish in the car at all times.
You keep the heartworm medication in the refrigerator in the "deli
willing to drive an hour in a snowstorm to make it to obedience class,
be bothered to drive the 30 minutes to a friend's house for dinner
or to visit.
one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair
don't mind it when you find dog hair in the sink, tub, embedded in
the carpet or
your clothes, or mixed in your food. (Take an extra point if you don't
bother trying to
remove the hair from your food--extra protein right?)
your laundry is dog blankets, sheets, and beds. (Bonus: Your dog was
sick on them
and you have to sneak into the local Laundromat at midnight to do
never think about how much money you spend on the dogs (or how much
could reduce by not having them around).
reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble,
and pickup bags
fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
pick up _other_ dogs' excrement when you go on walks in your neighborhood.
of your charitable donations go to dog-related and humane society
conducted a taste test for dog kibble by buying multiple brands of
evaluating your dog's interest in each one. (Extra points if you made
a party out of it
and invited other friends and their dogs over. Or tasted it yourself.)
had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way
to trim your
dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
personal calendar has notations in it for heartworm medication, vaccine
license renewals, obedience class, breed club meetings, local shows,
sale days at
Cherrybrook, etc.--but few or no family events.
rebates go to "the dog fund" or a spending spree through
the supply catalogs.
get birthday cards for each of your dogs from family, friends, and
the vet. (Bonus
if you keep them on the refrigerator for more than a month.)
total "poundage" of canines outweighs the total poundage
of humans in the
dog does something wonderfully cute, and you call your friends to
tell them about
it. (Bonus: The call is long distance, to a non-dog person, and you
keep them on the line
for more than 2 hours.)
are unbelievably pleased to receive a dog item (any dog item) as a
from a "non-dog" friend. (They really cared even if it's
not your breed.)
buy anything with your breed on it--even the mug with the Malamute
on it that
looks like an anemic Siberian Husky, or the Greyhound keychain that
looks more like an
IG. (Note: People owned by rare breeds are very susceptible to this
order a tailor-made dog blanket to keep your aging dog warm, but don't
anything yourself that didn't come through a production line.
of your furniture came to you second hand or via curbside discard,
but your dog
crates are top of the line, industry premium.
consider dog crates to be an inspired form of interior decorating.
(Bonus: you use
them as end tables in your living room.)
spend more time and effort grooming your dog than yourself. (And it
dog gets more compliments than you do.)
and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
considered moving into the kennel since it's cleaner than your house.
have a bad day and decide that your dog is the best "person"
to talk it over with.
sound of any liquid hitting the floor two rooms away at 3 a.m. is
enough to launch
you out of bed; but otherwise you can sleep through a ringing telephone,
clock, earthquake tremors, etc.
mood today depends on how yesterday's training session went.
highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
spend a fortune to visit another country, and spend all your time
You hate posing for pictures unless you're with your dog.
chirp, cluck, whistle, make kissy noises, and give "stay"
and "heel" commands to
your car. (Bonus: if you do this and give the "beg" command
to your male friend.)
Most of your social life is with other dog people.
run out of books to read on your breed/interest and hear about a new
released in another country. You call every person you know and start
to figure out
exchange rates, query the Internet, etc. to obtain it.
watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in
a cameo scene
or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene. (Bonus points
awarded if you
move through the scene frame by frame or in slow motion, or if you
watch the rest of
get so frustrated about the lack of cable TV in your area that you
get a satellite
dish or direct feed so you can watch the Westminster Kennel Club Show
Madison Square Garden network.
know more about canine nutrition than human nutrition (and it shows).
of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from
Laundromat or dry cleaners.
willing to pet sit, but not baby sit for friends.
only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say
to you when
they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs
do you have now?"
dog gets his coat stripped/trimmed more often than you get a hair
save every dog magazine you've ever bought.
a conversation with your family includes: "Are dogs all you *ever*
think about? They
are running your life--all your money, time, friends, vacation, and
holidays are spent
with the dogs. Even your house and car!!..." and you can still
vet, back-up vet, emergency vet clinic, and obedience instructor are
programmed speed dials on your telephone.
photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).
have memorized the addresses of your breed association, local clubs,
have extra dog collars and leashes on the walls, grooming tools on
the TV and
sofa, dog beds strewn across all flat surfaces, kibble crud around
the base of your
cabinets, chew toys everywhere, dog-fur dust rhinos skidding across
the carpet, and a
long line of drips from the water bucket to the living room across
floors--and you don't care. (Bonus and automatic win if you have important
coming and you ignore all the housekeeping in order to groom the dogs